Jarre and I are done. Again. I'm heartbroken. I love him so much I don't even have words for it. But it's what he needs right now. He's so sad, it hurts me to see how sad he is. I know I can't fix but I wish I could. I wish I could just love him so hard that he'd just be fully happy and whole and we would be good. I don't like not being able to do something. I don't like not making him happy.
I am semi-ok though. I saw it coming. I'm pretty decent at being single. I can do this. I just need to have faith and trust that God has a plan for me and will provide.
I am still getting tattooed on Saturday with my Hebrew/love piece and will start Ganesh on the 7th. I'm also house sitting this weekend and I can't wait. I just need time to myself to sleep and drink and be relaxed and sad and whatever else happens.
As much as I love my job and the children I work with, I can't wait for school to be over.
I love me, I can do this.
Sleep well and love yourself.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I am coming off incorrectly perhaps
I was accused today of being a superficial elitist by someone I love because I talk about my piercings and tattoos and the proper terminology for piercings and jewelry. I was so hurt. I talk about those things because I find them fascinating. It took so long for me to find my niche in society that I just want to know everything and experiance as much as possible and I like to tell people about them because I'm excited.
That shit hurt.
That shit hurt.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
As one idea falls, another rises!
Scarification is out. I just don't fuckin scar. It's ridiculous. Butbutbut I will be getting tattooed at the end of the month and starting work on a sleeve. I am getting Ahava, Raya, and Dod around my upper wrist. They are the three types of love in Hebrew that correlate to types of love from a psychological perspective: Ahava is the love of wills, commitment; Raya is the love of friendship, intimacy; and Dod is sexy love, passion. I'm so excited, I've wanted this tattoo for years.
Hopefully, I will be adding a Ganesh tattoo on my upper arm soon thereafter. I'm very excited about that. I, numero uno, love elephants. Ganesh has an elephant head. Numero dos, Ganesh is all about overcoming obstacles and the sort, which I do. Numero tres, it'll be big and colorful and beautiful. I just want his head and I want it surrounded by lotus and grapefruit blossoms. It would be beautiful. Hopefully, I can get a decent start on it this summer at least and maybe have it finished by Christmas.
My job makes mods so difficult. I have to think about what would happen if it got hit, pinched, bitten, or scratched. For tattoos, those would be awful, it would ruin healing work. For piercings, it hurts and it's irritating but it's livable. It just means that all my tattoos need to be healed by like mid August.
Jarre and I are happy again. Therapy is helpful.
Go forth and be colorful.
Hopefully, I will be adding a Ganesh tattoo on my upper arm soon thereafter. I'm very excited about that. I, numero uno, love elephants. Ganesh has an elephant head. Numero dos, Ganesh is all about overcoming obstacles and the sort, which I do. Numero tres, it'll be big and colorful and beautiful. I just want his head and I want it surrounded by lotus and grapefruit blossoms. It would be beautiful. Hopefully, I can get a decent start on it this summer at least and maybe have it finished by Christmas.
My job makes mods so difficult. I have to think about what would happen if it got hit, pinched, bitten, or scratched. For tattoos, those would be awful, it would ruin healing work. For piercings, it hurts and it's irritating but it's livable. It just means that all my tattoos need to be healed by like mid August.
Jarre and I are happy again. Therapy is helpful.
Go forth and be colorful.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
At least it's not cancer
Things with Jarre and I are shitty. I'm scared and this sucks. Gah. My stomach issues are either acid reflux or gall bladder disease.
It's hard to be positive somtimes.
It's hard to be positive somtimes.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I do believe it's the stomach death
This is the week of the APP (Association of Professional Piercers) Convention and a piercer friend of mine, Marilyn, will be in search of three beautiful pairs of stone plugs for me. I'm excited.
Things with Jarre and I are going well. I have more shit to deal with as a Julia than I think we do as a couple which is why tomorrow I will be looking into finding myself a real live psychologist of my very own. I need help. This is the first time in years that I don't think I can fix things on my own. I need help. And I'm ready to accept help. Now most of you don't know me but I don't do that easily. I'm very independent and asking for/accepting help from others is something I would not have been able to do 6 months ago. However, it's very upsetting to find out I've been holding on to so much pain and anger for so long. Like, years. I thought I was past that sorta stuff.
In other news, I have had horrible stomach pain since last Wednesday and I think I might be dying. Or just not eating correctly. Or, heaven forbid, lactose intolerant.
Ah well, let's just hope for good things to come.
Things with Jarre and I are going well. I have more shit to deal with as a Julia than I think we do as a couple which is why tomorrow I will be looking into finding myself a real live psychologist of my very own. I need help. This is the first time in years that I don't think I can fix things on my own. I need help. And I'm ready to accept help. Now most of you don't know me but I don't do that easily. I'm very independent and asking for/accepting help from others is something I would not have been able to do 6 months ago. However, it's very upsetting to find out I've been holding on to so much pain and anger for so long. Like, years. I thought I was past that sorta stuff.
In other news, I have had horrible stomach pain since last Wednesday and I think I might be dying. Or just not eating correctly. Or, heaven forbid, lactose intolerant.
Ah well, let's just hope for good things to come.
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