Today I woke up pissed. I had a dream about Jarre in which he chose to move in with a bunch of dirtbags and get high all the time instead of dealing with his shit.
To be frank I've been mad at him for a few days now. Actually just mad at everyone and everything with anything to do with him, except his beautiful and wonderful family. It's really draining to be that angry for that long.
Finally, I thought about it. The three types of love that I try to live my life by (Ahava, Raya, and Dod), that I had so much of for him, he didn't reciprocate. He loved how I look, he loved holding me and squeezing me and loving me in a touching manner. But he wasn't my best friend. He was mean to me and kept horrible, debilitating secrets. He refused to talk to me. There goes the Raya. When things got hard, he left me. Every. Single. Time. And would blame me to make it easier for him to ignore his shortcomings. Total lack of Ahave.
He never loved me the way I loved him. It sucks. I wasted like 4 years of my life.
Needless to say, I found it time to move on with my life. And what better time? I'm getting tattooed on Monday and I have the summer to ponder over life and find myself...again.
I started this transition with a piercing I have both wanted and feared for a great length of time: a vertical hood. I was scared that it would hurt, that it'd be unattractive to my future partners, that I'd be super uncomfortable with people I know semi casually looking that closely at my hooha. But I am a brave little person and decided to just do it.
To make things a tad more terrifying, the aforementioned piercer, Marilyn, the self-dubbed Queen of Cootchie, tells me that I have a tricky hood.
After much giggling, marking, pondering, and deep breathing, I grabbed/squeezed a lovely counter kid's (Anthony) hands in prep for the needle. Marilyn did a fantastic job but that shit hurt. I screamed an obscenity and almost cried and then, I was fine. I don't know what I did to poor little Anthony's hands.
The point is, I have reclaimed myself and my hooha and become a little shinier in the process.
Go forth, be shiny, and above all else, be your true, fantastic self.
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